watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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