I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
