I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
