She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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