i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
