Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Success! We fucked roommates!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
