she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
