dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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