I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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