Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
