Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
