I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
