You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
