New invention idea: vibrating tampons
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
