hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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