Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
