I hate your face
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
