just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
