My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Randomize
