I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
