If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
