What did we do last night that was yellow?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
