So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
