you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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