the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
