My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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