honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
