A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
