Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
