OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You ruined the universe
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
