Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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