Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
