my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
