apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
