when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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