I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
