There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
