Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
