Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
