Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
