it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
