i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
