Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize