I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
