There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
