he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
