omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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