last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
