God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
