Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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