a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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