woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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