I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
