I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
