gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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