Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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