White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
