so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
